OH, BOG ASPHODEL!

My favourite plant-based swears and curses

Nov 15, 2024

Several years ago, my mum started pointing out a plant called bog asphodel every time I visited her in Scotland. My immediate thought was that it’d make a really good alternative swear word. Try it: emphasis on the BOG, and a big, disappointed, sighing "Ohhh" at the start.

It's been a bit of an in-joke ever since and Mum got me a rather fetching tea towel for my 30th birthday featuring a photo of me surrounded by the these plants with the caption '“Oh, bog asphodel!”.

Despite the fact I love a PROPER swear word, I became a bit obsessed with what I like to call ‘plant-based swears’ for a while, and started illustrating some suggestions from friends and followers. Here are a couple of highlights…

Perfect for when you’re around young children or easily offended people?

This one’s more of an insult than an expletive, but effective nonetheless

I also did a series of NSFW plants that may bring up some interesting results if Googled…

Now that I have a whole community of fellow nature-loving weirdos to email each week (I know you’re not a spineless yucca who would take offence to such a label…), I thought I’d do another call out for sweary and not-safe-for-work plants. I know you won’t let me down!

When I finally get a bit of free time, maybe I’ll draw some! I love the thought of all of you out there this weekend, looking at every plant in a new way and wondering if it’d make a good expletive…

I’ve been working on issue 36 of The Happy Newspaper this week and MY GOODNESS do we all need some good news right now! So here’s a little hint of what’s to come, in the form of a lovely story from the Hedbrides about corncrakes (if you read or watched The Outrun you’ll be aware of these fascinating birds!)…

The population of the corncrake, one of Scotland’s rarest birds, has seen a “promising” increase on the Isle of Canna, according to the National Trust for Scotland (NTS). Following years of low numbers on the island, this marks an important step forward in the conservation of the endangered bird.

A survey on Isle of Canna, a small island in the Inner Hebrides, found 12 to 14 calling mates compared to one or two in previous seasons.

The species has been in decline due to intensive agricultural methods, although the NTS said the “buoyant” population can be attributed to new farming practices that support conservation.

NTS ranger Tom Allen said: “Canna Farm is a great example of prioritising both the production of high-quality livestock and creating a haven for wildlife and achieving success in both. We’re really heartened by the success of corncrake on our farmland and we hope this is a sign that things are moving in the right direction”.

Corncrakes migrate from Africa to breed on islands including Lewis, Harris, Mull, Orkney and parts of the northwest Highland coast and Argyll.

Illustration by Rachel Suzanne

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